I'm drive I can fine osifer
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
