i would punch a child for taco bell
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
