A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
