i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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