i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize