I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
