plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
