I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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