your parents love me but you hate me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
