oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
