I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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