shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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