Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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