Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
