life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
