i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
