I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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