I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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