i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize