Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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