I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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