I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
pop tarts are not kleenex
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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