its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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