Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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