i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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