Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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