He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize