I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
