Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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