I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
