I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
