What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize