dude i'm inner monologue high
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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