Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
