Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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