Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
