he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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