he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
