And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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