im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Let's get the cat blown out
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
