I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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