So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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