The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
