i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize