i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
