I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I can't put those talents on a resume
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
