apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
