my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
