I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize