I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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