Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize