Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
