My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
