The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
