I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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