Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize