Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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