What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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