I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
