well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
