You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
