i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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