Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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