I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize