my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
