I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
