Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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