peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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